from peace to puppy

There's something about walking at night. It has this calming effect on my mind, yet I always feel inspired by my senses, rejuvenated and ready. Even with a puppy who spazzes about--darting back and forth from sidewalk to grass to mailbox, tripping me every few seconds. That peaceful, contemplative night still hovers about; it dares me to think deeper; to breathe deeper.
The smell of laundry overtakes most of our apartment complex. Not dirty laundry, or mildewed towels, but fresh, clean, soaked-in-detergent laundry. It is my favorite smell in the world (besides Matt) and can lighten my soul with one drag.


Tonight's goal was observation. I want to remember more, I need to notice. So tonight, I practiced.

I wish more people would leave their windows open...that would have made my discoveries a little more interesting. But today's world is private, and it isn't safe to let it be known that you have an 82" Flat screen. Neighbors aren't always nice.

In the neighborhood behind the complex, there's this giant crack in the road that goes from one side of the street to the other. Okay, it's really not that giant, but the ants probably refer to it as the Grand Canyon..or so I'd imagine.

Now for some reason Lily is obsessed with cracks (no dirty jokes, please). She likes to lick them (once again, refrain). Maybe it's because the cracks at the store are sometimes filled with bits of crushed dog food. Or maybe it's because she's a demon and knows that Laura and I forbid her from sticking her tongue anywhere but in her own food bowls. Either or, she decided this crack in the road was hers to conquer and I was just going to have to drag,push,and all but carry her away from it.

So I did.

And that's the last thing I really remember noticing, because every 5 seconds I'd have to yell, "Lily! DROP IT," as she went from rock to leaf to cigarette butt to stick to rock.


But hey, I got to practice my observation skills and am happy to report that she swallowed NOTHING.

Tantrums and Spectrums

I seem to go into these temperamental tantrum states where I want every thing in the world and nothing at all. Say the right words, but leave me alone. The great part is it gets me talking. I don't always tell you when I'm bothered, I don't always acknowledge that I'm hurt. But these temperamental tantrum states, they betray my secrets, and I can't quite play the together card.

You want to know what I think?
Tell me something.
It's the easiest thing in the world. As humans we are a spectrum of emotions. Every moment of every day triggers something. You got a ticket, you're annoyed. You saw the best commercial ever, and you're inspired. You got spit on by a two-year old. You're stressing over class because _______. You've been thinking about ______ lately.

Tell me something, anything at all.
It's the easiest thing in the world.


Or maybe you truly don't have anything to say. Maybe you really are always good, never stressing, wondering, annoyed, nervous, or curious. Maybe it's just me who's the spectrum.

Dear David,

I write to you because you can't write back. You won't advise me, comfort me, or sway me through your thoughts to be any different than I am. I write to you, because I need to write, and I can't write to the world, to my friends, to my family,or for myself. So here,now, I choose you.

There's all these changes happening. The funny thing is..most of these changes I've been meaning to facilitate (for months), and their happening on their own.

For instance, my soda habit(dependency)---gone. Not because I'm self-disciplined enough to quit buying Diet Dr.Pepper(a New Year's Goal,I'm pretty sure), but because I literally become nauseous after the first few sips.
Those 'huge' meals I would binge out on at the end of the day--are no more. Every couple of hours I snack on fruits or whole-grain-somethings or I become sick. So goodbye to forgetting meals and hello, healthy living. (Oh and thank you, Acid-Reflux)

I have two semesters left before I can hang an English degree (Journalism minor) on my wall. Actually I'm thinking I'll have it standing on top of my bookshelf..no more holes in the wall.

TWO MORE SEMESTERS and I haven't written a thing in months. Why? Couldn't tell you.
I have so much left to learn, so much I keep forgetting, and I cannot write; call it writer's block, cold feet, or what you may. But with this fall semester comes 3 hardcore writing classes..So write, I shall. And I'm starting with you.

Our Community Groups with Fellowship started (finally)! It's amazing to see the connections all of us have despite us being strangers. Like the leader, Brandon Edgerson, he shops in our store.Great guy. We're beginning lesson 2 and I already love them all.

See? So many changes and I initiated exactly none of them. Wish you were here to see the Fall.
Forgive me for choppy letter writing;it's the best I can do these days.

Love you always,
Manda

from somewhere else

It's strange to be writing from this perspective.

No, perspective isn't the right word..I am not looking at anything any differently, but just surrounded by differentness; which really always makes you view your natural, every-day world differently..so maybe I'll stick with perspective.

I didn't realize how much I missed it here..The palm trees and waves and sunshine..but mostly the family togetherness. I forgot what it felt like to be constantly involved in other people's business. You would not believe how much I know..that I so shouldn't know, or perhaps I should have already known had I stayed in touch. My mind is thinking in circles this evening, forgive me. The point is...I miss family; I miss being known.

I just finished Matt's book (something about Ender Wiggin). And I'm appalled..this is my first book to read start to finish within a couple of days...in months. Not a good sign for an English major...an English major who has 4 classes left before earning a degree..and an English major who knows absolutely nothing about English. 4 classes simply cannot be right.

I'm going to get my Masters simply to feel like I know something.

Tribute to June

You know that image we have at the start of summer? Where you're sipping sweet tea poolside, book in hand, and plans yet to be made?

That is so far from June.

I've had doorknobs, cabinet handles, sink knobs, you name it--I've torn off about 12 this month.
Please understand, I am not the Hulk.
I know how to open a door and turn on the sink. I know, this isn't horrible and by the 4th detached knob, I was smiling wryly... but I'm allowed to add it into the equation of pestering, pernicious June.

I'm also allowed to complain about my hair dryer blowing up, and my straightner that decided to mimic a lukewarm pile of plastic...These things aren't cheap.
And my face exploding. I am not being dramatic, it looks like little craters of lava developed there.

Did I mention some woman gunned her car into the side of mine WHILE I was driving?
Okay, now I'm being dramatic. But good grief, that car has been through enough this year.


I could continue on, but that would take all day and it's not the point of this entry.
Rather, the point is simple--Sunflowers
Pretty, simple, sun-loving sunflowers.
That's what it took to remind me to smile, to breathe, and to shrug it all off.

Priscilla Ahn

I was a little girl
Alone in my little world
Who dreamed of a little home for me
I played pretend between the trees
And fed my house guests bark and leaves
And laughed in my pretty bed of green

I had a dream
That I could fly
From the highest swing
I had a dream

Long walks in the dark
Through woods grown behind the park
I asked God who I'm supposed to be
The stars smiled down at me
God answered in silent reverie
I said a prayer and fell asleep

eh..Why not?

This is the You in a Nutshell Questionaire. Copy and Paste, then share with friends.

Where are you? the Germantown store
What are you doing? Anything but the Mendota P.O.
What are you doing later? Wall-E & Pasta with Matt. :)
Are you close to your mother? Very much so.
Are you close with your father? not so much.
How many siblings- 2 brothers, 1 sister
What are you good at? Englishy things.
Do you do your taxes? Yep.
Do you do a budget? Try to. Went way over this month. (Thank you, Car)
Are you apart of the real world? Nope. Student for another year.
What do you plan to do when you get there? my best
What are your biggest pet peeves? Bigotry, Condescension, Proctor & Gamble
Of the 5 love languages (words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch) which are you? Words of affirmation
How are you with strangers? If in my comfort zone (entertaining guests at my house or the customers at the store) I'm great, otherwise, I'm quiet.
How are you with "the parents"? Quiet
How are you at concerts? Quietly observing..or swaying and singing in the back--depends on the band.
Dog or cats? Anything with a furry tail.
How do you feel right now? annoyed at myself and over-caffeinated.
Do you know anybody who died? pass.
Do you live with your parents? Nope.
Are you a snoop? Sometimes, but rarely.
Can you cook? The list is short, but I'm slowly adding to it.
Can you play an instrument? Not anymore.
What's your biggest vice? Chocolate, laziness, and all things vintage.
Favorite song? Right now, Xavia by The Submarines
Biggest fear? Not good enough.
What do you do when your nervous? Super quiet.
What do you do when your excited? Chatter and fidget.
What do you do when you're scared? Run.
Are you patient?..Not so much.
Are you organized? Since I was 2.
Are you independent? "to a fault"
Are you loving? I'd like to think so.
Are you wild? When my mood permits it.
Where do you want to be in five years? content with a job, love, and the future. well-traveled or able to travel would be great. and a new car (or something that runs) would be nice too. and a book in the works.

She, Her, and I

So let me just state the obvious. I am a girl. And with this celebrated and perplexing duty comes three basic questions:

1)Am I beautiful to you? What happens if it fades; If my flaws outshine those pocket-sized points of prettiness?
2)Am I good enough? Smart enough? Witty enough? Talented enough to succeed,to cook, to sew,to argue, to hold a conversation with a stranger, to sing, to dance, to write, to change...to effect?
3)Am I loved?


Seriously guys, those 3 questions, are the essence of girl. Write it down, take notes, but know that you can't answer any of them enough to erase the questions.
It's been sewn into our soul. We are creatures who were created to compliment, to be captivating(as John and Stasi Eldredge write), to love and be loved.

See we're actually quite simple really... I don't know how we got labeled as crazy-complicated, chocolate-driven, creatures of hormones. So off-base.


And that sums up my girl-wisdom. Time for a brownie.

Overstimulated

It's summer...and I have TIME. I don't know about the rest of you, but this basically translates into a period of life where nothing planned (back when I didn't possess time) gets done. Instead new seasons are downloaded, books (that aren't on my need-to-read list) get read, and my fingernails change colors daily.

But not this month.

I'm starting a new project. Projects actually; yes, call me Ms.Productivity and buy me an apron. I'm going to start cooking...And to incorporate project #2(health), I will be cooking a variety of nutritious meals while doing lunges from the counter to the pantry (don't picture that).

Granted, I'm broke for the next week and a half, but as soon as I'm not, Fresh Market will know me by name and outfit (project #3 entails I sew myself a new wardrobe).

Grilled Chicken and Greenbeans. That's Project #1. I must start out small here. Those hot box things are home to the Devil, I swear. It's the ultimate punishment--a metal, greasy cell(who really cleans their oven?) of boil-inducing heat. Way scarier than lakes of fire.
By the way, who knew that when the light went off it meant it was ready? (Thanks, Matt)
How much harder could it have been to include a bell? I mean seriously.

And lets not forget my issues with knives. My chicken will be pre-cut. I'll worry about dicing vegetables next week (stuffed peppers--project #4).

I may invest in one of those nifty vegetable/meat cutting machines..They make those, right?
I'd like to keep my fingers if possible, but pinkies are negotiable. Fingers crossed I get to keep my thumbs.. I'm rather attached to them.

Here's to summer projects. :)

Hello, May

I've formed a new habit recently, and I place full blame on Shelby and Abby. It's this sort of head cock to the side, a considerate maybe slightly confused, moment of wonder that generally comes after the word "treat" is tossed around.
(along with:grandpa's, ride, outside, park, potty and anything said to them in that overly-friendly dog voice)

I can't help it. My amazement is directly related to the tilt of my head; I have zero control.


It's not the change. I'm used to change. As Christians we're constantly growing (or should be), our desires morph into His, and our hearts transform into something new, something less damaged. Friendships break, relationships form, people leave, people die; Change and I are anything but strangers; nothing he does can shock me.
No, this isn't amazement at change. This is something else.

~~~

Laura and I have gotten pretty good at substituting missing puzzle peices. I'm not talking merely keeping busy and denying their existence. I'm talking about Legos and Linkin Logs kind of filling...

~~~

I'm no longer waiting for that specific "plan" of His to find me. That's not even Biblical.. I'm not sure why so many of us seem to get stuck behind it. Those of us who are waiting around to hear from God, are the ones that end up wasting precious time on things that truly don't matter. I've decided to stick to this new philosophy:
1)Find God/Continue to seek Him.
2)Pray & Study
3)Listen & Learn
4)Love (God,Friends,Strangers)
5)Everything else is relative