Wishing Myself Luminous

When I was little I used to pretend I was a firefly. I would prance and twirl but MOST importantly, I would glow. Golden glitter became my favorite accessory, because who doesn't want to sparkle and shine?

I caught myself longing for the life of that firefly this evening. But instead of wings and a glowing butt, I have a "Must Do List."
Finish degree,
work hard,
save some money.

Then, I can serve Haiti or Uganda...I can go anywhere, I can focus on more important things. Like writing a novel.Like traveling the world-- not just to see it and learn it, but to meet it and embrace it.

Those thoughts kept me going for four years..But now, in a state of whole-hearted-burned-out-ness I ask, who the hell made up that "Must Do List" in the first place? I honestly can't remember. Was it me? And if it was, was I conforming to God's path or to the world's expectations?



...None of this really matters at this point. I cannot simply leave it all behind and jump on a plane tomorrow (as much as I dream about it).




All I can do is pray for patience and wish myself luminous.

Resolutions of the 2010 Persuasion

Okay, so maybe I'm a little late on these, but forgive me--I was avoiding that whole failure vibe that will no doubt haunt me come March.

75% of New Years Resolutions fail, you know. Or at least thats what a Home Improvement commercial just told me. And Tim the ToolMan wouldn't lie.

Looking back, I'd say 2009 was probably my sickest year yet. I'm talking swollen lips(I'm allergic to mangoes apparently),3 days in bed because of a "noisy" head--you'd have to ask the pills what that meant,iron shots, iron pills, back issues, arm issues, "broken" toes, ear infections, food poisoning, I can keep going.
Surely then, my first resolution would be along the lines of health- take a daily vitamin, eat more vegetables, exercise, etc.

Wrong. I started a three day diet of nothing but grilled chicken and vegetables yesterday.Guess what I came home and made for dinner? Tacos.

Instead, I'm keeping it complicatedly simple with one change for 2010: No quitting.


Easy concept, but complicated in the way that it applies to EVERYTHING. Unfortunately, diets too..which is why you won't catch me saying anything crazy--like a 3 day chicken and vegetable diet.


I've been quitting things my entire life. Gymnastics, Ice Skating, Softball, Soccer, Sign Language, Stamp Collecting, Rock Collecting, APEX crap, Philosophy Classes, Sunday School Classes, Piano, Guitar, Voice Lessons, certain book lists I created, cooking, relationships...I just quit. Sometimes, I got bored. Other times, it just got hard. And I became a master at finding easy-way outs.

So now for 2010; I will fight.

Grasping

Loss.
It's such a simple word; Four letters, one vowel, three consonants. Yet it contains so much fear, so much pain. Addictions are born--television shows, alcohol, sex-- I'll do anything to escape. Prescription pills are swallowed-- for this agony, this hole in me-- is all caused by a chemical imbalance, right? Questions are asked, demanded, and pleaded from God—who else could be to blame?

As a human, I've experienced loss enough to fear the word with a complex.
I've had sisterly friendships turn to ash over misunderstandings and unspoken hurts.
Grandparents taken from the slow deterioration that comes with a lived life, others lost to battles with cancer, and another through unyielding depression, ultimately won over with a shotgun. Three years ago, my best friend was murdered.
I've lived loss. I know the stages as if I were an actress following a script.
And while every bit has molded me into who I am today, into the safety I know the Lord to be, and though I've learned from every ending, every goodbye, and lost chance—

I'm still left with scars..and the fear of a simple word.

Badges and Stones

For weeks now, my eyes have been drawn to a small garden stone adorning my neighbors front yard.
It's nothing fancy, nothing that would attract a lot of attention or for any reason be the central focal point from my bedroom window. It is simply a rock painted an understated shade of white, embellished with a cross the color of ash.

A stone so subtle...but nothing other than Hester Prynne's scarlet 'A' in my eyes.

It was my badge of shame, a reminder in the form of a guilt trip. Or those were my thoughts as I momentarily considered stopping my empty endeavors and reaching for my Bible. Instead I would close the blinds, close my eyes, and shut out the Light that so relentlessly chased my gaze.

It's now the first day to a new year and God, as He so often does, has used my circumstances to push, pull and prod me in the direction of Him.

So here I sit, amazed at the simplicity & complexity of His teachings, of His works & ways, of how I keep falling slave to happiness while somehow stumbling and stepping over Joy every time.


So here's to yielding, to finding Joy, and to the beginning of a new year completely and wholly following, pursuing, and living for Jesus Christ, our Lord, our Savior.
(This is as much a prayer as it is a toast)

Walnut Banana Bread Break

There are three key points that have become a perpetual guardian of my sanity. Points that if lost, perhaps between the frantic, chaotic thoughts in this asylum of a mind, would be the end of this primarily low-key girl.

Point #1: One day at a time, one prayer after another, one paper/exam at a time. I will not think of my other to-do's until I have crossed out and checked off the first.
Point#2: 6 more days.
Point #3: I have safety in my God, a family to run to, a job I could totally keep forever(if I must), and a whole other half to my future that has absolutely nothing to do with a college degree.


And with that, I declare this study break over.

9 Days

Count Down in Ryhmes...(because I can)

10 more days
of studies and lectures
articles to essays
and essays to research papers

...10 days away
and everything fades



And in the moment that freedom lives
A dawning exists:
My purpose was missed

Complaints & Thanks

Let me just say that colds are the absolute worst.

I blame this primarily on the fact that I am still expected to carry on with my ever-so-painful-but-required-to-live responsibilities; For it is only a cold and I am completely capable of functioning.

"But it's the absolute worst," I exclaim in my most dedicated whine.

My ears are neither here nor there. I don't know what I'm listening to...Can you hear pain? I just had a thought(a rare occurence for today): I really shouldn't be ending my sentences with prepositions. But alas, proper grammar can bite me.

I have eaten nothing but soft foods this weekend in order to spare my throat. Hello oatmeal, Slimfast, and filling drinks, I am utterly sick of you.

I'm not even going to venture into the subject of breathing. Respiration and I are through. Finished. Over. Done.








Okay, okay. No more complaining.

~~~

Even as I sniffle, heavy-headed and confined at work, I know all I have...I am grateful. (really)

I am especially grateful for the small amount of schooling I have left; A year less than I originally thought. And a special thanks goes out to the 3 papers and 5 tests that await me before freedom for Christmas. So close.

But mostly, I am thankful for a beautiful God who despite all of my consistent falls and failures has never once failed to provide... whether He does it through friends, finance, or through that comfort only He can bestow.

*Or through the invention of TheraFlu

Steady and constant, He is my refuge, my provider, and my only source of strength. And I truly am grateful.

elations of my heart

It is cold. Hunched-shoulders and fires cold.

I am done for the night. Printed, stapled papers await to be handed in and judged.

I ,however, await to be lulled to sleep by chocolate milk and Houston Levee drivers.

An anxious game of petal picking ended on a happy note. He loves me. He loves me not... He loves me.

This once too-tiny apartment feels a lot like comfort and home.

Lunch coming soon with a dearly missed friend.

Thanksgiving festivities filled with turkey, cranberries, and awkward parents.

Christmas in Gatlinburg...Almost here.Almost here. Almost here!

Sleep. :)

Theme of the Week

Okay, get excited. I'm about to post a puzzle for you. I am going to give you a list of clues which will ultimately lead you to this weeks theme(for me-- not the entire population). Ready?
GO:

1. You sell a pair of jeans on Ebay. A woman buys them. She pays through paypal, but somehow ends up using an Echeck rather than an instant transfer. This means it takes 5 days to clear before you actually receive the funds. A week and a half later, she rudely accuses you of lying about the funds not posting immediately and that you're just late on shipping them.
   
2. Demons masquerading as a pre-adolescent soccer team rampage your store the entire 5 minutes before you close. Where are their parents? Eating at the restaurant next door. You're officially a babysitter and closing late (until you crack and find yourself chunking dog toys while mumbling threats of forced-cat-treat-consumption).
   
3. Not one, not two, but three people cut you off and then reduce their speed dramatically.
   
4. Your bank of 6 years just gave you a $140 overdraft charge for the grand total of about $50 bucks that you "borrowed" from them.
   
   

Well? Did you figure it out? I could give you more clues, but I'm running a little low on time. Here, I'll tell you, this week's theme is:

*insert drum roll and game show voice here*


PEOPLE. CrazyRudeSelfishImpatientGreedyExcusesforHumanBeings...(I say this like I haven't ever been attributed by one of these...ehem.)

And my objective is:


to love them.




...I'll let you know how that's going after my boxing session.