from somewhere else

It's strange to be writing from this perspective.

No, perspective isn't the right word..I am not looking at anything any differently, but just surrounded by differentness; which really always makes you view your natural, every-day world differently..so maybe I'll stick with perspective.

I didn't realize how much I missed it here..The palm trees and waves and sunshine..but mostly the family togetherness. I forgot what it felt like to be constantly involved in other people's business. You would not believe how much I know..that I so shouldn't know, or perhaps I should have already known had I stayed in touch. My mind is thinking in circles this evening, forgive me. The point is...I miss family; I miss being known.

I just finished Matt's book (something about Ender Wiggin). And I'm appalled..this is my first book to read start to finish within a couple of days...in months. Not a good sign for an English major...an English major who has 4 classes left before earning a degree..and an English major who knows absolutely nothing about English. 4 classes simply cannot be right.

I'm going to get my Masters simply to feel like I know something.

Tribute to June

You know that image we have at the start of summer? Where you're sipping sweet tea poolside, book in hand, and plans yet to be made?

That is so far from June.

I've had doorknobs, cabinet handles, sink knobs, you name it--I've torn off about 12 this month.
Please understand, I am not the Hulk.
I know how to open a door and turn on the sink. I know, this isn't horrible and by the 4th detached knob, I was smiling wryly... but I'm allowed to add it into the equation of pestering, pernicious June.

I'm also allowed to complain about my hair dryer blowing up, and my straightner that decided to mimic a lukewarm pile of plastic...These things aren't cheap.
And my face exploding. I am not being dramatic, it looks like little craters of lava developed there.

Did I mention some woman gunned her car into the side of mine WHILE I was driving?
Okay, now I'm being dramatic. But good grief, that car has been through enough this year.


I could continue on, but that would take all day and it's not the point of this entry.
Rather, the point is simple--Sunflowers
Pretty, simple, sun-loving sunflowers.
That's what it took to remind me to smile, to breathe, and to shrug it all off.

Priscilla Ahn

I was a little girl
Alone in my little world
Who dreamed of a little home for me
I played pretend between the trees
And fed my house guests bark and leaves
And laughed in my pretty bed of green

I had a dream
That I could fly
From the highest swing
I had a dream

Long walks in the dark
Through woods grown behind the park
I asked God who I'm supposed to be
The stars smiled down at me
God answered in silent reverie
I said a prayer and fell asleep

eh..Why not?

This is the You in a Nutshell Questionaire. Copy and Paste, then share with friends.

Where are you? the Germantown store
What are you doing? Anything but the Mendota P.O.
What are you doing later? Wall-E & Pasta with Matt. :)
Are you close to your mother? Very much so.
Are you close with your father? not so much.
How many siblings- 2 brothers, 1 sister
What are you good at? Englishy things.
Do you do your taxes? Yep.
Do you do a budget? Try to. Went way over this month. (Thank you, Car)
Are you apart of the real world? Nope. Student for another year.
What do you plan to do when you get there? my best
What are your biggest pet peeves? Bigotry, Condescension, Proctor & Gamble
Of the 5 love languages (words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch) which are you? Words of affirmation
How are you with strangers? If in my comfort zone (entertaining guests at my house or the customers at the store) I'm great, otherwise, I'm quiet.
How are you with "the parents"? Quiet
How are you at concerts? Quietly observing..or swaying and singing in the back--depends on the band.
Dog or cats? Anything with a furry tail.
How do you feel right now? annoyed at myself and over-caffeinated.
Do you know anybody who died? pass.
Do you live with your parents? Nope.
Are you a snoop? Sometimes, but rarely.
Can you cook? The list is short, but I'm slowly adding to it.
Can you play an instrument? Not anymore.
What's your biggest vice? Chocolate, laziness, and all things vintage.
Favorite song? Right now, Xavia by The Submarines
Biggest fear? Not good enough.
What do you do when your nervous? Super quiet.
What do you do when your excited? Chatter and fidget.
What do you do when you're scared? Run.
Are you patient?..Not so much.
Are you organized? Since I was 2.
Are you independent? "to a fault"
Are you loving? I'd like to think so.
Are you wild? When my mood permits it.
Where do you want to be in five years? content with a job, love, and the future. well-traveled or able to travel would be great. and a new car (or something that runs) would be nice too. and a book in the works.

She, Her, and I

So let me just state the obvious. I am a girl. And with this celebrated and perplexing duty comes three basic questions:

1)Am I beautiful to you? What happens if it fades; If my flaws outshine those pocket-sized points of prettiness?
2)Am I good enough? Smart enough? Witty enough? Talented enough to succeed,to cook, to sew,to argue, to hold a conversation with a stranger, to sing, to dance, to write, to change...to effect?
3)Am I loved?


Seriously guys, those 3 questions, are the essence of girl. Write it down, take notes, but know that you can't answer any of them enough to erase the questions.
It's been sewn into our soul. We are creatures who were created to compliment, to be captivating(as John and Stasi Eldredge write), to love and be loved.

See we're actually quite simple really... I don't know how we got labeled as crazy-complicated, chocolate-driven, creatures of hormones. So off-base.


And that sums up my girl-wisdom. Time for a brownie.

Overstimulated

It's summer...and I have TIME. I don't know about the rest of you, but this basically translates into a period of life where nothing planned (back when I didn't possess time) gets done. Instead new seasons are downloaded, books (that aren't on my need-to-read list) get read, and my fingernails change colors daily.

But not this month.

I'm starting a new project. Projects actually; yes, call me Ms.Productivity and buy me an apron. I'm going to start cooking...And to incorporate project #2(health), I will be cooking a variety of nutritious meals while doing lunges from the counter to the pantry (don't picture that).

Granted, I'm broke for the next week and a half, but as soon as I'm not, Fresh Market will know me by name and outfit (project #3 entails I sew myself a new wardrobe).

Grilled Chicken and Greenbeans. That's Project #1. I must start out small here. Those hot box things are home to the Devil, I swear. It's the ultimate punishment--a metal, greasy cell(who really cleans their oven?) of boil-inducing heat. Way scarier than lakes of fire.
By the way, who knew that when the light went off it meant it was ready? (Thanks, Matt)
How much harder could it have been to include a bell? I mean seriously.

And lets not forget my issues with knives. My chicken will be pre-cut. I'll worry about dicing vegetables next week (stuffed peppers--project #4).

I may invest in one of those nifty vegetable/meat cutting machines..They make those, right?
I'd like to keep my fingers if possible, but pinkies are negotiable. Fingers crossed I get to keep my thumbs.. I'm rather attached to them.

Here's to summer projects. :)

Hello, May

I've formed a new habit recently, and I place full blame on Shelby and Abby. It's this sort of head cock to the side, a considerate maybe slightly confused, moment of wonder that generally comes after the word "treat" is tossed around.
(along with:grandpa's, ride, outside, park, potty and anything said to them in that overly-friendly dog voice)

I can't help it. My amazement is directly related to the tilt of my head; I have zero control.


It's not the change. I'm used to change. As Christians we're constantly growing (or should be), our desires morph into His, and our hearts transform into something new, something less damaged. Friendships break, relationships form, people leave, people die; Change and I are anything but strangers; nothing he does can shock me.
No, this isn't amazement at change. This is something else.

~~~

Laura and I have gotten pretty good at substituting missing puzzle peices. I'm not talking merely keeping busy and denying their existence. I'm talking about Legos and Linkin Logs kind of filling...

~~~

I'm no longer waiting for that specific "plan" of His to find me. That's not even Biblical.. I'm not sure why so many of us seem to get stuck behind it. Those of us who are waiting around to hear from God, are the ones that end up wasting precious time on things that truly don't matter. I've decided to stick to this new philosophy:
1)Find God/Continue to seek Him.
2)Pray & Study
3)Listen & Learn
4)Love (God,Friends,Strangers)
5)Everything else is relative

chorus to a prayer

I am lost in a crowd of two, forgot to search, to seek, to walk with You.
Stand me still
and pull me back
but Father please, let him come too.

Fires and Songs

The beginning is what scares me; Where thoughts somehow transit back to your perfect stranger as if addicted, as if every second lived was about a fix, a single moment of ecstasy.
Together, he and she are electric, effusive, and emitting flames. His stare can burn, her heart can glow, but that passionate fire is going to be tamed, if not by time, then by the rain.

It's this infatuation that scares me. Or maybe it's the days that come after. To truly love another person for everything he or she believes, acts and is--that I can honestly say, will take more than me. It will take God. It will take us both individually seeking His face, His guidance, and His (not the world's) way of Love.

It's this that scares me. Because I am determined to have that; To be completely one with my husband in the purest form possible... and yet, I am dancing with you.
You, who listens to another song, who sings to different lyrics and sways to a worldly beat.
You, who despite this, despite advice, I can't seem to leave. So I continue to pray that maybe, just maybe you'll hear His song, and you'll search for the only words worth listening to.


If I end up scorched, then so be it. It's not the tragedy in this story.

I wish I could make an audio title; Today's would be a growl.

I deleted my Facebook for this very reason. And yet, here I am, not studying, not posting on a graded discussion board, not working on everything that I had planned to be doing. My "buckle-down" day, major fail.

Hold your judgment.
I am not being lazy.
I just CAN'T think.Or can't stop thinking?
Really, I just can't choose my thoughts and who or what they land on.


If I turned around, or decided to go a different way, I'm fairly certain Concentration would return to me. But despite the advice of others, I am grounded. Heart to the pavement, stuck.

I did try.

~~
I have landed on one entry every time I opened my Bible this week:

In God I trust; I am not afraid;What can man do to me?
Psalm 56:11

In addition to that, it was also the verse of the day a few days ago.

~~

3 assignments left. 1 hour. I can do this.