The trip to Hazel Green did nothing to enforce equanimity. If anything, I was too free, yet somehow enslaved to my frenzied, cynical thoughts.
Like the erratic weather, I couldn’t find a word to construe my mood. Depressed? Yes, but that’s been there. Like a background noise, to every thought, a constant whir to every hope. Unloved? I defend this notion with thoughts of my mom, roommate and coworkers… I’m reminded of the Only One who even matters…And so thoughts drift to why I wanted to pick ‘unloved’ as an adjective in the first place… I can’t replace him. I can’t replace him. I can’t replace him. Lonely? Always. Sad? Sometimes. Numb? Daily. Happy? Only when I feel I have a purpose, something to strive for, a reason to not stay inside my haven of books and busy work…What happened to that point?
Lord, as your child, am I not suppose to be demonstrating a life of contentment? A life where despite the odds, I am joyous for I know You, Your love, Your gift, Your vision…But instead I have nothing but knowledge of your gift to set me apart from the lost--so it seems I am just as lost as they are. Satisfy my heart, oh Lord ,with You and only You. Help me to shine over the pain, to learn what you teach, and to be contented with solely YOU. I am Yours. Please hear my prayer, for You are my only point.
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