After David died (some serious time after), I realized I can pretty much handle anything. Maybe not by myself--but through God and chocolate,totally without a doubt, I can take it.
Maybe this makes me a little more brave then I would be otherwise. And impatient.
With that said--I am scared.
~~~
It's Halloween night and here I sit-- alone in my darkness, left only in the company of tears,prayers and questions.
Love me.Save me.Carry me.Love me.
It is a song, a request, a prayer...a plea.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Emblem
I've decided to dedicate this day to a number, to the eminent digit of 66.
Currently, it's the number of things I should be doing and desperately need to have done, finished,and put(perhaps shoved) behind me. Sixty-six is also quite possibly the amount of hours it would take me to accomplish a small portion of my to-do list--KitKat breaks not accounted. But above all(or rather below all), it's the grade I received on my grammar test.
I have an excuse for this. Actually, I have many. One: I had to move this weekend. Zero time to study. Two: For one reason or another, I packed my book. Ergo, I couldn't study when I actually found the time early Monday morning. Three: I can't think, I can't relax, I can't do anything other then robotic-ly put away my things and stare at the TV.
I don't know why I'm so upset about it, we get to drop our lowest grade, and that without a doubt, was mine. Actually, I'm pretty certain thats the lowest grade I've EVER received in an English-based class...So here's to you,66, you have absolutely made my day.
~~
No really, it hasn't been a horrible day-- despite my dedication to a number I've now decided to ban from my mind.
For instance, today I had an epiphany: My stress is completely, utterly, absolutely uncalled for. Why am I hastily making lists of things I "need" for the apartment, to do, to change, to finish. Bath mats, really and truly are in no way important to my existence here. You're saying "Duh" right now, but think about it. What's causing you stress? What are you spending your time thinking about instead of spending time with the only One who can give you peace in the first place?
~~
I am exhausted.
Note to self: Moving sucks.
Currently, it's the number of things I should be doing and desperately need to have done, finished,and put(perhaps shoved) behind me. Sixty-six is also quite possibly the amount of hours it would take me to accomplish a small portion of my to-do list--KitKat breaks not accounted. But above all(or rather below all), it's the grade I received on my grammar test.
I have an excuse for this. Actually, I have many. One: I had to move this weekend. Zero time to study. Two: For one reason or another, I packed my book. Ergo, I couldn't study when I actually found the time early Monday morning. Three: I can't think, I can't relax, I can't do anything other then robotic-ly put away my things and stare at the TV.
I don't know why I'm so upset about it, we get to drop our lowest grade, and that without a doubt, was mine. Actually, I'm pretty certain thats the lowest grade I've EVER received in an English-based class...So here's to you,66, you have absolutely made my day.
~~
No really, it hasn't been a horrible day-- despite my dedication to a number I've now decided to ban from my mind.
For instance, today I had an epiphany: My stress is completely, utterly, absolutely uncalled for. Why am I hastily making lists of things I "need" for the apartment, to do, to change, to finish. Bath mats, really and truly are in no way important to my existence here. You're saying "Duh" right now, but think about it. What's causing you stress? What are you spending your time thinking about instead of spending time with the only One who can give you peace in the first place?
~~
I am exhausted.
Note to self: Moving sucks.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Skip, Leap and a Jump
One of these days I'm going to book a vacation that is so long, I can't WAIT to get back.
I'll be antsy to work, to make my bed,to return to a life of responsibility and to-do lists.
People become grateful for their everyday hassles. They miss their burnt dinners and busy schedules.
And me..well, I'll be no doubt living through imaginary characters spaced out on my pages and screens, impatient for a chance to return to my own reality--complete with purchase orders, a kangaroo planner, and laundry to wash, iron and fold.
It will be a vacation where from sunrise to sunset I'll be doing everything people dream about when they currently reside at a desk behind bored eyes and a dirty window.
Can I please skip this part and move onto the next phase? I ache for a family to call my own..a home to nourish..and a husband to cherish...
Then maybe I won't need to book a vacation that inspires a desire to be here..and not everywhere and anywhere else.
I'll be antsy to work, to make my bed,to return to a life of responsibility and to-do lists.
Don't shake your head, it happens..
People become grateful for their everyday hassles. They miss their burnt dinners and busy schedules.
They do.
And me..well, I'll be no doubt living through imaginary characters spaced out on my pages and screens, impatient for a chance to return to my own reality--complete with purchase orders, a kangaroo planner, and laundry to wash, iron and fold.
It will be a vacation where from sunrise to sunset I'll be doing everything people dream about when they currently reside at a desk behind bored eyes and a dirty window.
One of these days..
Can I please skip this part and move onto the next phase? I ache for a family to call my own..a home to nourish..and a husband to cherish...Then maybe I won't need to book a vacation that inspires a desire to be here..and not everywhere and anywhere else.
One of these days..
Hey, it could happen.
Hey, it could happen.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Grooves
Okay, I'm stuck. Again.
I'm not stuck in everything. My relationships are growing, intimately and in friendship. My schooling is going well (I write this now because after Friday's Philosophy exam it may change).My future and dreams are becoming clearer and more attainable. My health is improving (at least my exercise routines are being followed). And yet somehow, I'm staying still in the most important relationship of all.
It's days like this, that I need so badly to just turn everything off and lie in His presence. I just need to be His and for Him to be my only focus..Then maybe I can stop running in place and truly understand all that it means to be alive for Him.
~~~
Distractions of the Moment:
I'm not stuck in everything. My relationships are growing, intimately and in friendship. My schooling is going well (I write this now because after Friday's Philosophy exam it may change).My future and dreams are becoming clearer and more attainable. My health is improving (at least my exercise routines are being followed). And yet somehow, I'm staying still in the most important relationship of all.
It's days like this, that I need so badly to just turn everything off and lie in His presence. I just need to be His and for Him to be my only focus..Then maybe I can stop running in place and truly understand all that it means to be alive for Him.
~~~
Distractions of the Moment:
- On Saturday, Brett and I are going to Nashville to visit the grandparents and do all types of artsy Nashville things.
- Our house sold, so Laura and I will soon(less then 3 weeks soon) be moving into the Camden Grove apartments...This means a fresh easel for decorating..
- Which means, I really need(..want) to get a new bookcase (I'm wishing floor to ceiling) and add the following items to craigslist: Refrigerator, Washer & Dryer, Treadmill,and probably more. Anybody interested?
- Phil. Exam on Friday that requires two essay questions answered from John Mills/Kants point of view.
- Somehow get Kim Iverson to accept an interview..
- Bills.Bills.Christmas Presents.Savings.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
12.21.12.21
I can't study. Can't do it.
Multiple choice tests slaughter any index-card-serious-study capability I could possibly possess.
So I've decided to be twelve again. And what do twelve-year-olds do on rainy Sundays? They play Nintendo, eat junk food, call their crushes, take cheesy-posed pictures, and generally participate in unproductive-procrastination type activities. So here's to a pointless post and an admission: Because I have in fact, done all of those things.
Wishing you love & pizza rolls,Mandy
Friday, October 2, 2009
Fridays of Charm
Let me just say that I should not be here. There's a pancake sausage 'corndog' in my hand, my attention is being split between the news (which just showed Obama, the First Lady, and Oprah across a split screen...scary) and updating my insanely popular blog for the people... Egotistical? Me?
Where I should be is in class. At this exact hour and minute, I should be sitting third seat from the front, directly up against the wall, struggling against space for a place to set my book, workbook, and notebook. And I should feel slightly more guilty..After all, it was last semester that I learned the difference between an A and a B is absences and being there(both physically and mentally).
I am suddenly regretting giving my mother the link to my blog...Expecting a call about skipping school later..
"Why don't you feel guilty," you ask in an attempt to take me back to subject.
Because it is gorgeous outside, which means it is my house lit up with sunlight instead of artificial light (another weird quirk about me--you will find me sitting in the dark more often then sitting with a lamp on), because my house is an absolute mess and yes, I actually am looking forward to cleaning it. I'm also looking forward to leaving the house composed, rather then throwing on an AAP shirt and dashing out the door, hair frizzed and half straightened trailing behind me.
And because lists is what I do when I'm on the verge of being overwhelmed, here goes mine.
Where I should be is in class. At this exact hour and minute, I should be sitting third seat from the front, directly up against the wall, struggling against space for a place to set my book, workbook, and notebook. And I should feel slightly more guilty..After all, it was last semester that I learned the difference between an A and a B is absences and being there(both physically and mentally).
I am suddenly regretting giving my mother the link to my blog...Expecting a call about skipping school later..
"Why don't you feel guilty," you ask in an attempt to take me back to subject.
Because it is gorgeous outside, which means it is my house lit up with sunlight instead of artificial light (another weird quirk about me--you will find me sitting in the dark more often then sitting with a lamp on), because my house is an absolute mess and yes, I actually am looking forward to cleaning it. I'm also looking forward to leaving the house composed, rather then throwing on an AAP shirt and dashing out the door, hair frizzed and half straightened trailing behind me.
And because lists is what I do when I'm on the verge of being overwhelmed, here goes mine.
To Do:
Finish Laundry, Fold and Put Away
Dishes
Clean Litter Box
Counters
Vacuum Room, Entry Way, and Living Room
Email Span. Prof, Do assignments
Advertising, Finish Outlining
Look for Victor's and the rest of Marla's B-day Gift
Pack up Computer for Work
Dad's B-day Present
Yoga
Mow the backyard, aka The Jungle
Grocery List
Diet Cokes
Waters
Milk
Cereal
Lean Pockets
Orange Juice
Toilet Paper
Toothpaste
Mascara
Deodorant
Dr.Pepper/Mountain Dew-Brett
Finish Laundry, Fold and Put Away
Dishes
Clean Litter Box
Counters
Vacuum Room, Entry Way, and Living Room
Email Span. Prof, Do assignments
Advertising, Finish Outlining
Look for Victor's and the rest of Marla's B-day Gift
Pack up Computer for Work
Dad's B-day Present
Yoga
Mow the backyard, aka The Jungle
Grocery List
Diet Cokes
Waters
Milk
Cereal
Lean Pockets
Orange Juice
Toilet Paper
Toothpaste
Mascara
Deodorant
Dr.Pepper/Mountain Dew-Brett
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