Thursday, January 27, 2011


I would like to just take a moment and
bitch slap my day.


First of all, it was my fault. My body doesn't respond well to pills ever really(there's been an incident every year since 1992). So when the head shivers and nauseousness hit me, I panicked. I can only miss one day of class, use it now? Can I drive? Is this going to last all day? Should I force myself to eat that pizza? Can I lay down and leave Lily in her cage?
But, decisions and head shivers don't get along, unless it has something to do with sleep.
So, I got in bed, figuring I'd sleep through it and worry about emails later.
Only, I'm one of those good grade, teacher-pleasing girls (when it comes to my English classes anyway), so I couldn't stay still. I couldn't stop worrying that I was missing something really important.
So I went. I wore dirty clothes and sunglasses in the building, but I went.

AND SHE WASN'T EVEN THERE. That, my dear friends, was not my fault. Instead, she sent another professor to read from one of his books. So I sat there--in angry fuzziness--and listened (or sort of).


I'm not even going to go into the flat tire I got while driving home.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

I have this list of things I should be doing at the moment. But I also have a full day before a night class tomorrow, so motivation to read that story and those chapters is somewhere between down there and before plunging the toilet.

...I pride myself in not being a dramatic person.
I don't want to be that girl. The one with all the problems, who's boyfriend died, who had an "unstable" childhood. The victim, the girl who needs help, who doesn't trust.
I have zero interest in being her.

But these days, that's the girl I seem to be. Maybe the girl I'm becoming.
So lets think. How do I break this cycle? How can I stop being so incredibly needy, when I'm not even looking for help?

What happened??


I think, tomorrow, I'll make another phone call to another type of doctor. Maybe then I won't be so....



*it's easier to relax when I take steps back*

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Buttons and Blues

I could easily be a zombie today. I'm just so tired, so I stare and eat, and stare some more.
I need inspiration, and some zeal.

I wish I had a button. No, I wish I had three buttons. One for rest (Power Down), another for rejuvenation (Awake), and one for wisdom (Update?). Living would be so much easier.

I need story ideas...And some winter boots. :)

*block out all your demons with white noise, pills, and Jesus*

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Diagnosis: H.IMB

I made a doctors appointment. It's done. January 31. Maybe I can stop crying because some jackass stole my parking spot. That can't be normal. It'd be more natural to whip out a handgun, wave it in the air, and yell, "Give me back my spot,mother*censor*" (I mean we are in Memphis)

I can't decide how I feel about psychiatric medications. On the one hand, I think we turn to them when we should be turning to God. Of course humanity yearns for the quick fix, an easy way out. If I win the lottery, I could solve all my problems.
But I also believe that some people truly need them. Chemical imbalance, clinical depression, whatever you want to call it. We wouldn't wait for a cancer patient to be magically healed by faith. We act, we fix,and pray that God allows them to be healed.

So if this doesn't work, well...There's no shame in crying, right?