Monday, January 25, 2010

Wishing Myself Luminous

When I was little I used to pretend I was a firefly. I would prance and twirl but MOST importantly, I would glow. Golden glitter became my favorite accessory, because who doesn't want to sparkle and shine?

I caught myself longing for the life of that firefly this evening. But instead of wings and a glowing butt, I have a "Must Do List."
Finish degree,
work hard,
save some money.

Then, I can serve Haiti or Uganda...I can go anywhere, I can focus on more important things. Like writing a novel.Like traveling the world-- not just to see it and learn it, but to meet it and embrace it.

Those thoughts kept me going for four years..But now, in a state of whole-hearted-burned-out-ness I ask, who the hell made up that "Must Do List" in the first place? I honestly can't remember. Was it me? And if it was, was I conforming to God's path or to the world's expectations?

...None of this really matters at this point. I cannot simply leave it all behind and jump on a plane tomorrow (as much as I dream about it).

All I can do is pray for patience and wish myself luminous.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Resolutions of the 2010 Persuasion

Okay, so maybe I'm a little late on these, but forgive me--I was avoiding that whole failure vibe that will no doubt haunt me come March.

75% of New Years Resolutions fail, you know. Or at least thats what a Home Improvement commercial just told me. And Tim the ToolMan wouldn't lie.

Looking back, I'd say 2009 was probably my sickest year yet. I'm talking swollen lips(I'm allergic to mangoes apparently),3 days in bed because of a "noisy" head--you'd have to ask the pills what that meant,iron shots, iron pills, back issues, arm issues, "broken" toes, ear infections, food poisoning, I can keep going.
Surely then, my first resolution would be along the lines of health- take a daily vitamin, eat more vegetables, exercise, etc.

Wrong. I started a three day diet of nothing but grilled chicken and vegetables yesterday.Guess what I came home and made for dinner? Tacos.

Instead, I'm keeping it complicatedly simple with one change for 2010: No quitting.

Easy concept, but complicated in the way that it applies to EVERYTHING. Unfortunately, diets too..which is why you won't catch me saying anything crazy--like a 3 day chicken and vegetable diet.

I've been quitting things my entire life. Gymnastics, Ice Skating, Softball, Soccer, Sign Language, Stamp Collecting, Rock Collecting, APEX crap, Philosophy Classes, Sunday School Classes, Piano, Guitar, Voice Lessons, certain book lists I created, cooking, relationships...I just quit. Sometimes, I got bored. Other times, it just got hard. And I became a master at finding easy-way outs.

So now for 2010; I will fight.

Sunday, January 3, 2010


It's such a simple word; Four letters, one vowel, three consonants. Yet it contains so much fear, so much pain. Addictions are born--television shows, alcohol, sex-- I'll do anything to escape. Prescription pills are swallowed-- for this agony, this hole in me-- is all caused by a chemical imbalance, right? Questions are asked, demanded, and pleaded from God—who else could be to blame?

As a human, I've experienced loss enough to fear the word with a complex.
I've had sisterly friendships turn to ash over misunderstandings and unspoken hurts.
Grandparents taken from the slow deterioration that comes with a lived life, others lost to battles with cancer, and another through unyielding depression, ultimately won over with a shotgun. Three years ago, my best friend was murdered.
I've lived loss. I know the stages as if I were an actress following a script.
And while every bit has molded me into who I am today, into the safety I know the Lord to be, and though I've learned from every ending, every goodbye, and lost chance—

I'm still left with scars..and the fear of a simple word.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Badges and Stones

For weeks now, my eyes have been drawn to a small garden stone adorning my neighbors front yard.
It's nothing fancy, nothing that would attract a lot of attention or for any reason be the central focal point from my bedroom window. It is simply a rock painted an understated shade of white, embellished with a cross the color of ash.

A stone so subtle...but nothing other than Hester Prynne's scarlet 'A' in my eyes.

It was my badge of shame, a reminder in the form of a guilt trip. Or those were my thoughts as I momentarily considered stopping my empty endeavors and reaching for my Bible. Instead I would close the blinds, close my eyes, and shut out the Light that so relentlessly chased my gaze.

It's now the first day to a new year and God, as He so often does, has used my circumstances to push, pull and prod me in the direction of Him.

So here I sit, amazed at the simplicity & complexity of His teachings, of His works & ways, of how I keep falling slave to happiness while somehow stumbling and stepping over Joy every time.

So here's to yielding, to finding Joy, and to the beginning of a new year completely and wholly following, pursuing, and living for Jesus Christ, our Lord, our Savior.
(This is as much a prayer as it is a toast)