Wishing Myself Luminous

When I was little I used to pretend I was a firefly. I would prance and twirl but MOST importantly, I would glow. Golden glitter became my favorite accessory, because who doesn't want to sparkle and shine?

I caught myself longing for the life of that firefly this evening. But instead of wings and a glowing butt, I have a "Must Do List."
Finish degree,
work hard,
save some money.

Then, I can serve Haiti or Uganda...I can go anywhere, I can focus on more important things. Like writing a novel.Like traveling the world-- not just to see it and learn it, but to meet it and embrace it.

Those thoughts kept me going for four years..But now, in a state of whole-hearted-burned-out-ness I ask, who the hell made up that "Must Do List" in the first place? I honestly can't remember. Was it me? And if it was, was I conforming to God's path or to the world's expectations?



...None of this really matters at this point. I cannot simply leave it all behind and jump on a plane tomorrow (as much as I dream about it).




All I can do is pray for patience and wish myself luminous.