Thursday, December 25, 2008

a night before change

It was the night before our Savior was born--in memory anyways-- and all I could feel was..this distinct awareness of being microscopic and alone in this hell of a world. It didn't matter that I had someone to see a movie with, and then someone to come home to. Or even that I know the true meaning of Christmas.. I was still apart somehow.

I was walking Louie and Dakota later that evening. It was just us three,under the stars and circling the lake on a quiet Christmas Eve. It brought to mind the famous Bible story of the three wise men...I wondered how they had felt that night. Certainly not comparable to my mood of bleakness. Instead, I imagined they felt a lot how I used to feel on Christmas Eve...Those times when I was snuggled up under the covers with new pajamas and freshly brushed teeth. I was impatient, and charged with eagerness of awakening to the presents Santa had left me. I couldn't sleep. I could hardly stay still. The excitement, the anticipation--could this be how the Magi had felt--walking miles, on the faith of a star, to meet the One who would save us?

I longed to feel that way for something bigger then life. I can't say how many miles we walked around that lake. With me praying..begging for a semblance of understanding. I was searching for a star to guide me somewhere..anywhere else.

Sunken and disconsolate, I ended the walk and drove home. I put in a worship cd--for it was still soon to be His day, whether I felt the "right" way or not.

Never underestimate the power of music. The power of words, composed with the melody of voices. Harmonized with the struggles and strengths of other human beings.
I was in tears within seconds. I was screaming within minutes. I was letting it all go..And I was comforted. For "Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness." Isaiah 41:10

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