Friday, February 12, 2010

Dear David,

It's odd how we're coming up on 3 years. Three. That's a lot of moments separate from you.

I can see you so perfectly still. And sometimes, at the most innocent moments, when I'm looking for a pen or brushing my hair, I can feel you. I can feel the pain just as I felt it that day. I can feel the confusion, the panic, the shock, all of it.

And then it's lost again in the whirl of living. Sometimes, I'll think of you as forever ago, just a distant memory, a friend from a lifetime ago. Sometimes, it's more like you were a story from someone else's life, completely separate from my own.

I tried to move on.

Actually, I think I may have ran into moving on...So desperate for the okayness of the future, I didn't stop to just be. His arms were so comforting. I chanced it. It was worth it.

I'm still not sure what we are, or if we'll ever be something together. But I did learn one thing: It sucks that anyone will always be compared to you.

I don't do it on purpose. I try my best not to compare people; We're all such different souls. But you truly loved me. And if he doesn't do something that you makes me wonder, it makes me question.
I hate that.

know what else I hate?

You died and I was left only with a heart of golden memories,the perfect parts and sweet bits. I can't remember anything bad, anything you did wrong, any of those times you hurt me. It's as if my mind chose to honor you by way of a haze of happiness. It makes the comparison thing that much more unfair.

We were not meant to be, you and me. I've known that, it just took a while for me to admit it.

Maybe I wasn't meant to be with anybody.

Strangely, this scares me less than the actually being with somebody part..I don't want to end up like my mother.

I'll be 22 soon. Remember when I turned 20? You took me to the movies where I made you buy me candy, popcorn, a hotdog AND an icee?... I'm all the sudden missing that metabolism. Oh, how fast things change. How fast I can go from feeling as though I barely know you to completely missing you.

Laura and I are planning another trip. This one's not nearly as costly as a 2 week road trip to Maine though. I think we're going to try a cruise. What do you think, Key West? Bahamas? We're still researching...Who knows, maybe we'll just go back to that little town in Connecticut or for a stationary stay on the beach.

You always understand me, even if only in my head.

Missing you much,


Dar said...

It's ok Amanda. It is ok to feel the way you feel, it's not something you choose. To me it feels like it happened a very long time ago, but I will never let him fade away. He won't just be some memory, especially not to you. He still affects you, maybe on a day to day basis. I can't tell you what to do, but don't judge yourself based on those feelings, just let it be what it is.

Amanda Brunton said...

Thanks, Dar. We need to catch up soon. :)